It's in my bones

“I had drunk so deeply of grief and innocently gambled so hard with fate and irony that a special kind of vision was gathering in my eyes, not entirely clear just yet. This was the same look people saw in your eyes when you have died for beauty and come to live accepting nature as life with no promise of paradise, and mad at people who couldn't see that.”
― Martin Prechtel, Secrets of the Talking Jaguar

Grief.

Right there.

I can't escape it -- now, not ever.

And you?

We think of it as feeling: "I lost my mother/father/friend."

It sits behind everything we think and do -- for a while at least.

But what if grief was something more profound?

Like...?

Being a faithful witness to everything that our loved one stood for and represented to us and their community.

Better still, our practised grief was celebratory in its purview -- something that we forever demonstrated in our words, deeds and life.

Right now, I'm wrestling with all those people who I once knew and those I didn't but I know are part of the wider family circle. I can feel them in my bones; and they're not gone. Far from it.

Love,

Julian

The end.

 

Death -- our death -- should inform our lives, but it rarely does.

It all comes too late.

But imagine it: being told the precise day you'd leave this world.

Would it change the way you saw your life and lived it?

Who knows? 

Right now, gripped as I am by the memories of my ancestors, I feel an overwhelming sense to sit with the knowledge, the absolutely certainty that I've got limited time available to me. And that doesn't mean, as I did previously, I want to run scared. Instead, I've a celebratory feeling in and around death. That's not dark, nor morose. It's life -- all of it.

And you?

Do you think about the end?

Perhaps not. It's too soon. But one day you and others will have to comprehend what it means to be gone. 

I find that more a little sobering, but in the meantime I'll keep leaning into my mortality to explore how my life should and must change to recognise the finality of this gift we call life.

Love,

Julian

Photo by Osman Rana on Unsplash

Death - not death

I know, it's hardly the most appealing title but that's life, right?

Two sides of the same thing.

And yet, what do we do?

Rush forward in the hope of finding meaning in our days. We seldom do.

What if, instead, we embraced death in the same way we sought to strangle life?

What if?

But even to posit the question appears nihilistic, practically defeatist.

It's not always been like that -- I'm convinced of it. When life was short, often hanging by a thread, I'm sure we weren't seduced by (at the very least) the word voodoo that surrounds the 'D' word and so much more.

What am I advocating for?

Honesty, openness and, dare I say, truth. If not that, then what?

Long life, quick death. That's a myth. In fact, with our medically-disposed, buy-more-time way of seeing the world, all we're doing is buying us more death. Yes, you heard me. And that's a new phenomenon and one, in my humble view, we're not equipped to deal with, lest still discuss in closed or open circles. 

Anyhow, as I always say when I think I've made my point (have I?), it's time to get with the daily programme of trying to build a bridge between this life and the one that still lives unlived in my soul.

Blessings,

Julian

Writing

 I've been writing for a decade or more. Sadly, I don't have much to show for my efforts.

Still, I'm confident with a change of emphasis -- i.e. calling myself a writer -- I can make something of what I've to offer the world.

We'll see. 

Ju.

It says it all...

 “It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect.”

― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

I'm home

 

I'm lucky to live in Devon. I mean, really lucky.

This picture says it all. The vibrant colours; the mellifluous river; and the tang of nature -- WOW.

Cornwall is great but it never quite feels the same. Sure, the beaches are off the scale but it's the soul that doesn't grab me.

I've not yet done my list of the things that feel impressed upon me but writ large is to fall back into a creative regime, however than unfolds. 

Save that, we'll see what happens next.

Love, Ju

Padstow 2020

We're nearly at the end of our holiday.

It must be the 15th time we've been here. 

And it's been wonderful to get away, even allowing for the fact that people appear to have forgotten the Rules on social distancing! 

(I've stayed away from the Town as much as possible and instead have enjoyed quiet time in the flat -- owned by my late father-in-law, Brian.)

We've booked next year for a week, and it'll be nice to keep the family tradition fully alive. 

Previously, and certainly by now, I'd have made some grand statement about all the things that I intend doing on my return home to Devon but this time there's been nothing of the sort save that I do want to start open-water swimming -- something I've never properly done. I will have to buy a wetsuit but for now, given the sea and river temperatures, I'll either manage with an old short-sleeved wetsuit or just my swimming trunks.

One thing that will live on in my memory is the fact that our children still want to come here and it's been wonderful to see them together and (largely) get along. They're quite different in many ways, but then again, they're very similar. All I'll say is that food is the common ingredient.

It's been nice for my wife to have some time away from home because next week she'll start her new job, and I know she's anxious, having been away from the front line of nursing for 11 years. Her specialist heart-failure role will be a world away from her research post but with the passing of her dad -- who himself was treated by one her soon-to-be colleagues -- the role has a particular poignancy to it.

Alfie too has had a ball, even though at times he's worried me to death running off across the beach and on one occasion nearly drowning, as he swam after the seagulls and then realised, 400 metres out, that he was a little out of his depth! 

Anyhow, here's to you Padstow. It won't be long and we'll be back again.

Ju.

Paying attention

Perhaps it's me, but I don't understand the fascination with mobile phones. 

What do I mean?

I mean, why does everyone live in their phones and not pay attention to what's happening?

Perhaps I'm being too judgmental but then again, I wonder what we're missing in the process?

Taking a break

“Creativity takes courage.” 
― Henri Matisse

If you follow me on Twitter you'll have seen me say that I'm scaling back on social media. That means I'll no longer post very much to Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr (I've not been there a while), Instagram or LinkedIn. I'll still be recording monologues on Podbean but probably only once a week -- I've yet to decide on the day but it's likely to be a Monday. If I write anywhere then it will be limited to Patreon.

In terms of blogging, both here and on my main site, I've decided to stop writing a regular post. To be honest, I should have done this years ago. It's not that I haven't enjoyed the practice (and I hope you've gained something by reading it/them) but, the truth is, it's stopped me from writing to be published -- my ultimate aim.

This isn't an easy decision, but there's no longer a link between the need to write online and what I want to do with my life.

I'm sure in this digiital age there will come a time where I'll have to refresh my online presence and strike up the band, but for now, I'm taking things offline in the hope that I can bring to bear my creative energy in a fundamentally different way.

Henceforth my main focus will be:

poetry
writing
calligraphy

I know that in every area I'll have to go back to basics, not only to understand and learn my craft -- if you can call it that -- but in the hope that I actually discover the depths of what moves me to create. Of course, I need not go this wide and could just as easily stick to writing, but I know that's not where my heart speaks loudest. 

If you're wondering why now I've decided to go all the way with my creative endeavours, I think it comes out of the fact that I've given up or been forced to abandon my wish to build a business. You see, when I look back on the last 8 years, I can see that far from building something which looks remotely like a business, all I've succeeded in doing is thrashing about looking for meaning in my work but moving no further than a few different job descriptions and slightly better work environs.

The truth is -- "my truth, folks" -- I've not sold anything that people want to buy. I mean, come on, if it were otherwise I'd have a business to my name, not a series of self-employed gigs.

Am I comfortable making this announcement? 

Not really.

It sucks. But then again, it's far better that I pull the tiny plug now before it causes me and my family any more angst. Sure, I'll have to hunker down again qua employee -- I've been in that role for at least three years anyway -- but it won't matter because outside of work I'll still have the love of my family and their appreciation for the fact that whatever I do it comes from a place of love and service. 

But I think there's something much bigger in play than all this superficial angst:

True Self.

Cal it God, reality, Buddha or Big Mind but all I'm really doing is being birthed each day to do something that speaks to my soul. 

End of.

Or to put it less prosaically, to answer my calling.

Thank you again for all the support you've shown over these years. It's been very important to me.

Take care.

Blessings,

Julian

We're all going to die

You'd think, knowing that, we'd seek something more fulfilling than a life of faux experiences but it's not how we're conditioned to behave.

In fact, it's worse that that.

We want it now.

All of it: money, prestige, fame, love and material stuff.

(On the opposite side of this meme, we've this huge aversion to any form of suffering.)

But just imagine if this day was your last...

What would you do?

I know what you'd do.

Nothing different.

Why should you?

You know it's going to end. Hell yeah!, you might as well live today on maximum pleasure.

What if you stretched it out, and someone told you that you had 12 months left?

Would you try to change the world or crave yet more of the hedonistic stuff?

Who really knows?

I suppose in the end, it's how much you value life that really matters. But, judging by the number of people who abuse their bodies, eat to excess and use alcohol as a prop, my summation is that we're just not very serious people. In fact, the easier we can make life -- with all the deleterious consequences that that entails -- the happier we are.

Sorry, I know sounds crap but what I'm really inviting is a more beautiful question than how can I make myself constantly happy 🙂?

Take care.

Blessings,
Julian